“SHUT UP. JUST EVERYONE SHUT UP.”
These words reverberate through my skull.
“WHY CAN’T YOU JUST SHUT UP”
My lips never move, eyelids hover in a blank stare as i silently reply to the words tossed around me like i’m standing in the middle of a dodge ball game.
I never noticed before now how much people TALK AND TALK AND BLAHBLAHBLAH…
All they ever want to do is talk and pound each other with these whirling balls of letters and expressions and it just gets so damn overwhelming.
Silence is my safety.
If i must, i will listen, but never speak.
Words are more weighted than i think they understand, and yet they flippantly throw about as many as they can bear.
They throw them and take them and hand them to me until i’m buried completely.
Yet how would they know this?
How would they know that I’m drowning and panicking when all I ever do is grunt in reply.
I’ve found that silence is easily ignored.
It’s easy to miss, easy to keep throwing words at people and fail to see the bruises that paint their body purple and blue.
It’s hard to hear their struggle to breath when all you ever do is speak.
My brain is only what i hear now.
It speaks to me telling me when to speak, what to say, how to feel.
Much of the time it yells at me, it screams until finally i can’t keep the silence going.
I begin to scream.
Tears come first, then my lungs rise and fall faster than even they are talking.
My hands shake and begin to tingle.
Am i dying? Is this what death feels like?
Why can’t i see? Why can’t i speak?
The blood in my body is hot, it hurts so bad.
The screaming stops.
I’m in a pool of clear water with only the sound of distant muffled voices.
Am I dead?
The pool drains slowly and I see the face of someone i love sitting across from me.
I see that their hands hold mine tightly, pressing peace and affection into my skin.
Their voice drifts softly to me
“…breath out… Yes good, keep it up.”
I don’t know how long we sat there, but whenever the screaming came back, I would try to focus on their gentle voice echoing
“It’s okay, everything’s okay, you are safe…”
All they wanted was a response, yes I understand.
So that i did,