It’s funny how you can have something and not realize it. How life can be falling apart, but you’re too busy collecting the pieces to see what’s throwing them at you.
January was a cold month. It was dark and nights were hardest. For the longest time I couldn’t move, I couldn’t think. Those were the days where i found myself crying when it didn’t make sense to cry. Sleeping when the sun was brightest and sad when the world told me to be happy. This was when i decided to dedicate myself to work, to deep dive into my brain and never surface again. My mind was my company, it was my best friend and greatest enemy. It told me that everything was okay as it lead me to a dark and quiet place within my skull. I had only seen this place once before, but time had past and a layer of dust blanketed every surface. I stayed there and never moved much.
Six months later I left that dark place. I saw light and people, color and interest. Hand in hand, my mind and i took it step by step. It had been so long I had forgotten how to carry myself. Back again in the dark, 5 months later, I see now that the world is very dull within this place. I can still smile, still breath, but everything feels dim and distant. My mind tugs constantly, beckoning me into a restless lull. In the nest where everything is heavy and unreachable.
Even when I do manage to walk out of this place I know that it’s still there. Something so dark and ugly exists within my brain and i can’t help but wonder if i have the strength to ever make it leave, or rather the strength to never return.